Not afraid to lose - if we can all be together

One night I was playing TEKKEN 3 on my computer. I was into the final round and was struggling to win. The next moment, the screen displayed YOU LOSE and a voice played in the background with a demeaning tone. I shut down the computer and lied down on the bed with my face dug inside the pillow. The phrase YOU LOSE repeated in my mind several times with the exact same tone. "What exactly does it mean YOU LOSE", I thought to myself. Ya, I lost in a stupid computer game, but apart from that, what does it mean? What is it that I have, to lose? "Property? Money? Car? Girlfriend? Well, I don't have any of these (hoping for the distant possibility of the last one sometime soon)".
So what can I possibly LOSE? Nothing. I don't know. I mean, we lose something after we have earned it. First you have to have a thing in order to lose it. But I have not earned anything as of now. And I soon fell asleep concluding my self discussion. In my dream I saw myself walking towards a man who's back was turned towards me. I tapped his shoulders and he turned to face me. I let out a shriek as I saw myself standing in front of me. And he was holding a large golden box glistening with diamonds in his hands. I listened in silence as he spoke. "I presume this belongs to you. You might have kept it somewhere and forgot about it while moving up the steps."

"Open it and you'll see what you have earned over the years".
I took the box and opened its lid, curious, as to what could possibly belong to me? A bright light shone from within,
and inside were the photos of all those who had ever stood by my side. The other me said, "these are the people who trust you, people who believe in you, who care about you, and will do everything possible just for you. Because they know that when it comes to them, you'll do the same. The least you can do is prove them right and just feel grateful for having them in your life."
"You did not lose, but you can, if you don't realise the worth of your treasure. So tell me, have you not earned anything? Don't you have anything to lose?" Saying that, he clapped his hands and in a second he disappeared into thin air.
The next morning I woke up early and again played TEKKEN 3. But this time I won and this time I knew exactly what I had WON.

Dangerous encounter

Recently I was at home during my semester-end holidays. Feeling free from the mayhem that a semester brings along with it. A 6 month torture, continuous pestering of teachers, lectures, labs, exams, quizes and more exams. So here I was watching television and enjoying my cup of coffee when the doorbell rang. I opened the door and saw Mr. Gupta, our neighbour, standing on the porch.

Now he, was one of them. I didn't know it earlier, otherwise I wouldn't have invited him in. It was easy to tell once we started talking.

Uncle: "And beta! What brings you home at this point of time?"
I       : "Actually my exams just got over".
Uncle: "Oh I see! So how were they? How much you expecting?"
I       : "Not much. I'm not that much into studies".
Uncle: "Arey beta! What are you saying? When I was in college, I used to sleep at 9pm and wake up by 3am to study. You should do the same".
I       : Thought to myself, "we practlically sleep at 3am". Then said, "but uncle I have different interests, like sports and music and stuff, you know...".
Uncle: "Rubbish. These things are not going to help in the long run. You have to be intellectually competent, get a good job in a multinational. I know you can do it, I can see it in you".

My father enters the scene.
Uncle: "Main kya, singhal ji, I'm right or not?".
Dad  : "Baccha hai, gupta ji, dheerey dheerey seekh jayega (He's just a kid, he'll learn it eventually)".
Uncle: "This is the time to learn." Then turned towards me and said, "now you do exactly as I say".

I looked in his eyes long and hard. And then it struck me that he was a KYMS. So I was careful not to argue with him. Because there is no point doing that, in the presence of a KYMS. There are many people I have come across who belong to this particular category of people called, KYMS, when you are in their presence, you have to 'Keep Your Mouth Shut'. Let me throw some light on this not so rare breed of homo sapiens. Their population started growing in around 2000AD, during the dotcom boom. Slowly they evolved and can be found in mostly the elite part of the society. They are quite educated, mostly above 25 years of age, thinking that they have a complete idea about the world. They have an innate desire to make others see the world through their eyes.

So here I was, face to face with a KYMS and this one was in full form.
KYMS: "Do yoga at 6am, it helps absorb the formulas. And the next time I want a C.G. of 8 instead of a measly 6.4, alright?".

Now comes the question, "what do you do when you encounter a KYMS?" Firstly, don't panic. They don't harm physically, they only specialise in mental tormenting. Secondly, don't give your theories in front of them and don't argue. Thirdly and most importantly, get away from a KYMS as soon as possible, because he'll keep on speaking, like, forever. And that is exactly what I did and thanked my stars for being blessed with a second life.

A lost friend

I was in my room one evening, back at home during the summer vacations from college. It was raining heavily outside, thanks to which I had to cancel my movie plans. I rubbed my nose against the windowpane and sighed as I had nothing better to do. Through the window I could see two kids, about 10 to 12 years of age playing on the streets in the rain. Their clothes all drenched in water and covered with mud. They were enjoying, laughing, running, as if this moment was everything to them, as if this was all they cared about.
Seeing them like this reminded me of something...

Once upon a time, when I was little,
and the world seemed a riddle,
full of every imaginable thing possible;
I used to start the day on my cycle,
along with my friend we used to travel and there seemed no end to our fable.

I still remember our going to the fort ,
in search of some hidden treasure,
which we never could find;
But I really don't mind,
because it was truly a pleasure.

Also the time when we went camping by the lakeside,
and returned home late in the night,
only to find our parents waiting by the door side,
And the time when I was hit by a motorcycle,
he took me home on his little cycle.

Those days seem a distant memory,
after 10 years it seems like a century.
And I can't say whether he'll still remember me.
But I'll do, because he was the best thing that happened to me.

I moved away from the window and walked towards the door. I opened it, stepped outside and stood in the rain. But this time, someone was missing.

When things go wrong...

You know, how there are times, when we feel all happy and excited and things seem to be going great. Then there are times, when we feel all deluded and fed up of everything. I mean these are times when the going gets tough, when each step you take seems like a mile and things seem to go wrong. These are our worst nightmares.

What if, someone was to tell you that these dark days are actually a blessing in disguise? Because they make you realize what happiness really is, how you have changed and what you can be. These are life’s surprise tests. And the funny thing about them is that you are its evaluator. In these times, it’s advisable to indulge in believing yourself, your instincts. Because the logical you is lost somewhere in the illusion. Following it would be like diving into the unknown waters. In these times, your logic can prove faulty, so let your belief bail you out.

And remember,

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,

When the road you are trudging seems all uphill,

Just stick to the flight when you’re the hardest hit,

It’s when things seem worst that you must never quit;

When you want to smile but you have to sigh,
When debts are high and funds are low,

You might succeed with another blow;

Like the silver tint of the clouds of doubt,

And you can never tell how close you are,

You might be near when it seems so far...
(The italicized part has been extracted from an unknown author)

My story for Elixir 2010

There was an open writing event in Elixir in which each person had to write 400 words on anything (poem or story or article) but it should have references of the following :-
1. a colour
2. a fruit
3. a ruler of Khilji dynasty
4. a plant
5. a gadget
6. the name of a website
7. a clothing item
So I presented the following story:-
                                                     The Dark Night

Alauddin Khilji stood at the edge of a cliff on a long dark night, aware that this could be his last night. A lot had to be done in the coming time and the consequences of his actions could also go against him. He gazed down the cliff where the sea was in full tide and smashed the rocks on the shore. He thought of the rocks,'meant to be cut down and give iron', he thought about iron,'meant to be made into swords and armors', and swords,'meant to win entire battles and destroy entire armies, to draw blood and drench in its glory'.

A strong wind passed by, but he stood motionless, staring into the darkness, contemplating and trying to be a part of the dark turmoil around him. Next he drifted his gaze towards the peach trees on the shore. 'No matter where one plant its seed, the tree would grow to be a peach tree. In the same way a warrior is a warrior, no matter where he is born, he would continue to serve for his land till his last breath and till he falls apart'.

For the past ten years he had been coming to this place the night before every war. And tomorrow with the first rays of the sun, his army would march towards Chittor. Khilji was very passionate and ambitious. It had all started until recently when he had heard about the beauty of Rani Padmini of Chittor, wife of the king Rawal Ratan Singh. That, when she walked, the winds would stop blowing, words coming from her mouth would make the lotus plant to blossom, her skin was satin-like and her eyes gleamed like a diamond. Such a beauty was intoxicating.

Despite the chilling weather Khilji was burning inside with a desire to claim her. 'Strange, that beauty can be a cause of destruction', he thought. He removed the shawl covering his body and took a step towards the cliff, ready to dive into the black waters.

'Cut', said the director. The cameras stopped rolling. "We'll call in the stuntman tomorrow for the diving scene",he added. Abhishek moved away from the cliff and sat on a chair made available for him.  He took out his blackberry which had 3 missed calls from 'wife' and 4 from 'papa'. He opened his gmail account and had 2 new emails, both of which were film offers. One was on robots and the other on aliens. He shouted to the director who was busy packing up ,"by the way, whats the name of this movie?". "Adventures of Khilji in 3D", came the reply.

The spice of life

Each and every one of us in this world, at some point of time or the other, feel that things are not making sense. Many a times we think that things should have happened this or that way. We have this innate desire to control the happenings of our life. And strange part is that we "wish" we could change the direction of the ship of our life, not knowing that we "can".

So these are times when we are really frustrated and are clueless as to what could render us out. Somehow, the pieces of the puzzle, called life, don't fit in together. The picture in front of us is distorted and disfigured. I am no exception. In fact, this happens, or used to happen with me all the time.

Taking a step on the path of becoming a philosopher one day, I would like to present my theory on life. In this theory I relate life with food (actually its good if we choose a counterpart for things. That way we get to know more about the main thing, in this case - life). So life is like a main course dish, which is yet in the making. And you my friend, are the chef. Its your choice of ingredients that decides the course of your dish. And its up to you to add the spices, to make an exquisite masterpiece which you enjoy and relish.

Rather than making oneself accustomed to a tasteless dish, we must experiment with ourselves and do things in ways that have never been thought of before. Our dish should have the aroma that attracts others towards it. Yes its a risk. But its worth taking.

A flight to remember

Emerging from the clouds,

She dives into the crisp air with vigor ever so loud.

Chirping with the winds en route,

She enthuses in it exuberance.

Racing with the water gushing below,

She forges ahead into an expanse ever so mellow.

Swirling through the lush foliage,

She sways the daffodils in a rhythm ever so divine.

And shoots up in the limitless sky,

Gliding over the hills,

The entire valley lay stretched before her.

She takes a brief stoppage on one of the trees.

Curious by the arrival of this new visitor,

She is bombarded with questions by squirrels and bees.

“where all has she been?”

“what all has she seen?”

“where will she go from here?”

And she sets off again cutting through the air,

Above the oceans and the seas,

Not knowing about the future yet to see.

She closes her eyes relishing this mystical aspect of life.

And she opens her eyes,

Only to realize that it was yet another dream in disguise.

A dream which was reality in the past,

And a distant memory in the present.

She gazes upwards from behind those steel rods,

With a tear in the eye and hope in the heart.

Women- prisoners of god or prisoners by men

A poem which I had read as a child intimidates me even as an adult. The poem is a harsh reality and talks about something which is right before our eyes and yet we put a blind eye to it. The moral dilemmas and ambiguities that today’s women are facing raises very interesting thoughts to ponder over.

The lady in the poem is a victim of oppression by the hands of her husband. She has become weak, physically as well as mentally. Her bones being old and fragile are left with no strength to carry on a struggle. The mental trauma which her marriage has given her has turned her into a nervous wreck. She works by day and weeps by night. Fear is always on her mind, afraid of the dark reality which has constantly hounded her life. Her bleak might, always on a lookout for someone to understand her plight.

Now her husband is no more and she is all alone with only memories to reflect upon. Her entire life has passed before her eyes and after all these years only two images come to her mind. As she holds a paintbrush and sways it around the canvas, she draws two tigers. They appear to be prancing across the whole picture. The tigers are in sharp contrast to her. Elegantly they walk and display a sense of bravery. Pride is reflected in their roar and tremendous strength in every battle they fight. To be like them is an impossible dream that she is nurturing. Contrary to the fearless tigers, she feels scared and alone.

If a woman is willing to consciously make the choice to let go of her old stories of doubt, unworthiness and insecurity, she has the opportunity to move into a level of self-acceptance .This is true empowerment. As we lighten up, we discover that taking flight is much sweeter than squirming around on the ground.

Next she draws a ring. The ring symbolizes bondage, a life of a captive, a prisoner. The fruits of this beautiful marriage ring were sour and painful which she had to bear her entire life. She could not fulfill her wish and break the ring. It wasn’t that easy. She would be looked down upon by the society.

And one day she would die, her hands lying motionless and still ringed with ordeals that she was mastered by. The tigers would be set free. Free to rule over the world, proud and unafraid. She accepts her state in the wake of a hope that the others to come after her won’t be destined to a similar fate as hers.

The very existence of woman is precious and needs gentle loving kindness. No hammer, no chisel and no axe in this midst of chaos or turmoil will force her worth to the surface. Only patience, love and gentle persistence will help her in mustering up courage and to go for it! Courage is not the absence of fear; it is feeling the fear and doing something anyway.

Even in today’s date where our country boasts of modernization, economic upliftment for women, reservations for them in institutions, there are many women who act as a silent spectator and are traumatized and oppressed behind those four walls of their house. There are many like them, each living life in misery and unaware of all that life has to offer from its treasury. It is at the domestic level where the problem lies.

The true essence of freedom lies in the basic fact that both the sexes live together on equal terms. Change is the need of the hour. If we bring about the change, we need to have the innate intelligence to live the change. Society needs to understand her silence and solitude. Let the winds calm and leave behind a crystal clear blue sky.

If more encouragement is given to them and the male acts as a support rather than obstruction for women, then there would be no need to break the ‘ring’ and the society would flourish in terms of equity. 

Being living in a world of non-living

The world is divided into two parts- living and non-living. The former one can feel, show emotions while the latter one is incapable of experiencing anything. What if the non-living could feel and sense? A whole new perception towards non-living things could arise. What follows is an instance which depicts one such possibility.

He runs after me in the streets, and then kicks me hard from one end to another. My round body fumbles over some stones but I dare not mumble a word. It hurts and with no shoulder to cry on to, I weep in silence. How I wish there was someone with whom I could share my feelings. As I bounce along the street to reach another person at the other end, I divert from my path and take shelter under a car parked on one side. As I lie in isolation I think about the time when I had first met him. He purchased me from a nearby shop with a smile on his face and gleaming eyes. With the authority of owning me I accepted the fact that he could do whatever he feels like with me. I wish I was living.

I am the favorite of children and even elders like me. They lick me merrily in the summers as I provide them relief from the hot weather. I am proud of myself as I support the people just like parents support their children.

At a distance I could see a 10 year old boy coming towards me. With delight he enjoys me and I couldn’t be happier to cater to all. Accidentally I slip from his hands and fall on the road. He looks at me indifferently and doesn’t look back for the second time. And I am left to melt alone on the streets and soon no trace of me or my feelings would be left. I wish I was living.

Had these instances been reality, we would have to take into consideration the feelings of minutest of things. And as such the feelings of us humans are difficult to handle, utter chaos would have occurred.

    

One day at school

The best of being in class XII is that there is no need of going to school as most of the study is done in coaching classes or by oneself. But then why is it that I refuse to miss even a single day of school?

I woke up with first rays of the sun and checked the clock half-asleep and half-awake. “7 o’clock, shit!” I exclaimed as I jumped from the bed. Hurriedly I cleansed my teeth and took out my school uniform from the wardrobe and changed as fast as possible. All set, I picked up my school bag and most important of all, my comb, which stayed with me 24X7. What? You know even one lock of hair misplaced can create a bad impression on girls. I rushed through the living room where mom was reading the newspaper.

Mom: and where do you think you’re going?

(I came to an abrupt halt)

I: school of course.

Mom: I don’t understand (helplessly). Why do you go to school daily when no serious study takes place? You even have your coaching classes in the evening. Why are you overexerting yourself?

I: I know mom, but today’s day is very important.

Mom: each day is important according to you.

Ignoring her comment I hugged her and ran outside towards the bus stop and caught the bus just in time. Exhausted, I took a deep breath and slumped into one of the seats. “Ah! Mom would never understand” I thought to myself.

I entered the classroom and occupied my regular seat, last row and corner most one. The classes passed one by one as I eagerly waited for the recess. “Only one class to go before recess” I consoled myself. Kukreja Sir entered the classroom with his usual angry expression on the face and carrying a fat physics book in his hands and an old tattered bag on his shoulders. To me he seemed as an old salesman carrying a shoe box in his hands. “Thud”, he placed the physics book on the table and laid my imagination to rest. “Just one hour of ordeal more and then I would finally be able to see her”, I thought and sought refuge in thoughts about her. I felt myself drifting away from the classroom and to a time when I first saw her. She was walking down the steps with a book tightly held to her chest. The childlike innocence on her face seemed to be demanding love and affection. The sunrays passing through the window and falling on her brown hair, making them shimmer. Her white satin-like skin, ‘ah’, it was a magical moment. “Aaah!”, I cried as pain shot through my back. I looked upwards and saw Kukreja sir standing right in front of me.

Kukreja Sir: Are you here or where?

(He speaks in offbeat English)

I: no sir, I am here only.

Kukreja Sir: What is your father?

(Puzzled by the sense of the question)

I: Sir, what does that mean- “what is my father’s name” or “what does my father do”.

Kukreja Sir: You fool; don’t you know the meaning of “what is your father”?

(I was appalled, whether to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’. But was rescued by the recess bell)

I rushed to the canteen where she usually lunched along with her friends. I entered the canteen and hustled through the crowd, while cautiously looking for her. Ya, there she was near the table fan and surrounded by her friends. I occupied a place from where I could see her clearly, without her getting to know about it. Her tresses were moving here and there due to the fan and she was busy sipping her cola. Her friends were laughing and chatting but she seemed completely engrossed in herself. And her…………, “Hey! What! Get aside man”, I said in my mind as someone came and stood before her, blocking my view. After about a minute or so, the person moved aside and proceeded to leave. And there she was, with a rose in her hand and a smile on her face. She got up and left the canteen along with him.

Coffee at its best

There is not much left to enjoy in an evening when the day hasn’t quite gone in your favor and the mind is filled with chaos and confusion.

 Late one evening I found myself in a similar situation. There was no willingness within me to talk to anyone. Just an eagerness to be away from the people I know and amidst a crowd of strangers. I stepped outside my college campus and started walking on the pavement. It was getting dark and dull, aggravating my gloomy mood. I kept walking engrossed in thoughts about the day’s ill happenings. I came across a well lit coffee bar and instincts led me inside. It was as if the coffee bar was calling me towards it and I like an exhausted traveler seeking for some respite went inside.

 I entered and occupied a chair next to the window. A person came from the counter and asked me what I would like to have. “Black coffee” I said. “Five minutes sir” he said and went away. The place was filled with an aroma of the coffee beans. It was quite strong and started playing its own games, trying to induce in me a new spirit of resilience. I surrendered myself completely to it and let it maneuver my thoughts. The person brought the coffee and placed it on the table in front of me. I looked at the coffee long and hard and it seemed to tell a story.

 Long time back, one day a plant sprouted from the ground. With time it blossomed and bore fruits, green leaves and white fragrant flowers. The plant withstood extreme conditions- rain, wind and heat. It took seven to nine months for the fruit to ripen and turn crimson from green.

The plant in the story is the coffee plant and its fruit, the coffee berry which contains the coffee beans. Without facing the harsh weather conditions the coffee berry would never have ripened. If the berry would have fallen down during the crisis, it would never have ripened. Persistence and struggle was required for it to ripen. And the nice coffee I am enjoying today is the result of all of it.

I equated all of this with my situation and got all my answers. Relishing the rest of the coffee I looked outside the window and saw the moon up in the sky. I laughed to myself as only one thought was running through my mind now, ‘the best part about the end of the day is that tomorrow it starts all over again’.

A fear like no other

Every person has his/her experience of stage fear. Its like the worst form of torture you can make anyone go through. And I am no exception. In fact I used to go in a trauma mode when asked to speak in front of a crowd. This one time when I was asked to speak in front of the class at the age of 10, I had a near nervous breakdown. And such was the enormity of that experience that even after 10yrs, I remember it clearly as if it had happened yesterday only.

It was a bright sunny afternoon and sun rays were passing through the windowpane and reaching the floor. It was my turn to speak on the topic. I stood up from my seat and moved towards the stage. This was the moment I had been dreading since the past 1 week. I stepped on the stage and faced the others. As I raised my face upwards to look at them, terror struck me at what I saw. Fifty pairs of eyes, and all staring at me. Never before in my life, had so many people looked at me and all at once. It was as if a separation had been made. Me on one side and they on the other. There seemed to be a divide, a sort of barrier between us. And I, so desperately wanted to go back in the crowd, never to be singled out. As I stood there, I wanted to hide myself, to run away from that place and never look behind. And suddenly I started feeling heavy, very heavy. My legs were beginning to tremble, unable to handle my ow weight. I tried to speak but my voice was too feeble, as if someone was choking me. By this time I was having difficulty even breathing. Air seemed scarce and my forehead was covered with sweat. And then my vision began to diminish. Bit by bit, everything before me started getting darker and darker. It felt chilling despite the April heat. And I collapsed 'on stage', right there and then in front of everybody.

I don't know what happened after that but when I opened my eyes I was lying on a bed in the medical room of our school and the nurse looking right at me and then turning towards my teacher and saying, "he's alright. Just a bit of weakness, will be fine in an hour or so". That night at home I couldn't sleep properly and woke up in the middle by a nightmare.

Actually sometimes we get paralyzed by our fears and let it take control of us. We start living with that fear all through our life. And that is just what I did. All through my school life I lived a fearful life. Never trying to combat my fear and always running away from it. Never had the courage to face it again. Afraid that a similar thing would happen.

But like any other bollywood movie, this story too has a happy ending. The protagonist does overcome his fear and in style. In the end, all seems well. How he did it? That's another story whose script has not yet been written.

Deadliest subject of all time

Previous year we had the subject 'ElectroMagnetic Fields(EMF)' as part of our curriculum. Believe it or not but this is a highly gruesome subject. Extent of its brutality is unimaginable. Legend says that many students have appeared again and again to clear this subject but even after 4 years of intense struggle they stand defeated. It has caused catastrophic effects in their lives. Unable to bear its torture in the classroom, thousands of students have given up and dozed off to sleep. And the teacher feeling like a proud mascot of this unparalleled subject, continues to give one theory after another and draw symbol upon symbol.

When I was introduced to this subject, its effect on me was no different. The scenario of the classroom had become typical during the EMF lecture. Half of the class was found sleeping, some looked outside the window in a still mode, and others were busy messaging or playing games on their mobile phones. I could have done anyone of these things but I chose otherwise. I specially purchased a magazine(India Today) to read during our EMF class unlike others who just wasted their time.

Days passed and I was happy to be utilizing my time, at least gaining knowledge in some other field. But one fateful day, the self-proclaimed mascot caught me with my magazine. He was like,"you worthless boy, this is what you do in class?". I checked the cover of the magazine and thanked my stars that our country's prime minister Mr. Manmohan Singh was drawn on it and not some skimpily dressed model. "Look at today's generation, no respect for what the teacher teaches in class". And I as defiant as ever,"but Sir I am only gaining insight into our country's economy and current affairs. What's wrong in that?". To this he responded back outrageously,"you fool, arguing against your teacher. Get out of the class and never show me your face again".

Thus I too was defeated and thrown aside by the mascot, not even given a chance to justify myself. And he even took away my magazine.

The very 1st step

As a child we were told to inculcate in us the habit of writing a diary. And very often I tried maintaining one, updating it every night before going to bed. But after few days I used to end up misplacing it. So I was a not a very organized sorts. And then I learnt  about blogging which has no diaries attached to it.

Actually the main motive of my starting a blog is that I really want to preserve my present days in college, the time spent with friends and the zeal that I possess as a young boy maturing into something more.

And for all those who would be reading my blog, if you are a college goer then you will definitely be able to relate with me and if you are past this phase then it will be like transcending to those good old times.